Jaxson Life: November 2010

Wow, I have been putting this off for a while now because I wasn't really sure what to say or how to explain the rough road we have been on since last May. We found out towards the end of last February that we were pregnant with our first child! We immediately felt deep down inside both Blake and I's hearts that it was a baby boy and we nicknamed him Baby Bean.

I have a history of PCOS and have had multiple cyst ruptures. We knew it might be a struggle to get pregnant, so we wanted to start trying just a couple years after getting married. We had been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant with this sweet baby and even had to be on 5 rounds of Clomid fertility treatment to helps us. We were beyond excited to discover God was blessing us with our very own little angel.

Blake and I went on Monday, May 3rd to our 12 week check-up with my OBGYN and were extremely anxious to hear the heart beat and see our little Bean. We went in and the doctor asked how I had been feeling and I said I had actually been feeling pretty well for the past couple of weeks. He looked a little concerned and said, let's see if we can pick up this little one's heart beat with a doppler. He kept trying and trying and no heart beat was coming though. Now, the weird thing was that I had read a friend's blog earlier that morning and we were just a couple of weeks apart in our pregnancies. She had the same problem just a week prior, where they couldn't find a heart beat at first. But, then they went in and did a vaginal ultrasound and found their baby alive and well, just hiding. :) I was for sure that was what was happening with our little Baby Bean! I was a little nervous as they tried two different machines in the room and nothing was working. The doctor then said let's try a vaginal ultrasound, and I was sure this nightmare was soon to be over, since I figured we had a tricky little boy who liked to play games already. The ultrasound began and Blake and I were holding hands so tight I had lost all feeling in my hand. We were both silent, still, and I don't think either one of us were breathing waiting for them to get this figured out. The nurse's face was overcome with a look of terror. I began hyperventilating and the tears began streaming as the nurse said in a panicked voice, "let me go get the doctor." They both came back in and this time the doctor did the ultrasound. Tears then began to slowly drop down our doctors' cheek as he said, "I am so sorry." My heart was in my throat and I couldn't breathe or see from all of the tears. I was sure this was a mistake and that this couldn't be happening to me! :( The doctor looked at Blake and asked, "would you like sit down?" I looked to my left and Blake was a whitish/green and soft tears were on his cheeks as it was obvious he was fixing to pass out. The doctor left so I could get dressed and Blake held me and promised everything was going to be ok and that we were going to do this together and that God was going to take care of us. I was numb.

Here was the last ultrasound picture we have of Baby Bean. It was our 12 week check-up and the baby was measuring in at 9 1/2 weeks. He had been dead and I had no idea. I was crushed! :( The doctor told us that Bean had a bubble of fluid around his head signifying that he had Down's Syndrome and many more chromosomal abnormalities and that he was very sickly and would most likely not have made it to delivery. I found a little peace and comfort in knowing that our baby was no longer in pain. I was sure that he was in Heaven and would forever be our little angel who would watch over our family.

Fast forward to Friday, May 7th. This was the day of the D&C procedure. I had been torn all week and struggled with the thought of them physically taking my baby away from me. I wasn't sure if I was really ready to let go and know that he would no longer be with me every single day. I know it sounds weird since he had already passed, but there was a sense of security as long as he was still inside me. We knew what needed to be done and the procedure went fairly fast that morning. As I woke up from the surgery, it was like a nightmare all over again. All I could hear was the sound of a baby crying. I was in and out of it and could not even talk yet to tell the nurse why I was crying or what was upsetting me. Blake came in to be with me and was furious that they had me in recovery right next to a toddler that had just finished a procedure and was crying non-stop. He took care of me and had me moved and out of there before I knew it. What a good husband! :)

That weekend was Mother's Day weekend and the start to our slow road to recovery. We spent a lot of time with my family. I am so so very thankful that they stopped and dropped everything to spend time with us and help us get a grasp on our new reality. Since then, there have definitely been good and bad days and I figure that will continue the rest of our lives. But we have chosen to daily trust that God is in control and will continue to hold us in His hands and walk us through this life, through the happy and hard times!

A charm a family friend, Shirley Leftwhich, gave me.

I love what it signifies and cherish it greatly!

This is the necklace that I wear all of the time and it helps me when I miss our baby, I hold the little bean charm in my hand. It helps me remember he is finally pain free and ok. Blake bought me the bean charm and the little ball with the November birth stone (since Nov. 20th would have been his due date). He is so thoughtful and this necklace is so precious to me.

Fast forward to, this past Saturday, November 20, 2010. It would have been our precious Baby Bean's due date. We decided to not let this day pass without taking a moment to remember and honor our first child. We planted a tree in honor of Bean and the huge impact he made in our lives even though we never really got to meet him. Every time we look out the window into our backyard, we will be reminded of our precious Baby Bean. We specifically chose the Texas Redbud Tree because of the bean pods it sprouts in the Fall, when he would have been born. It also blooms beautiful pink flowers in the Spring, which to us, symbolizes new life and the amazing blessing God is giving us to redeem a month (or season) that was so hard for us this past year. Lastly, the heart shaped leaves will forever remind us of the deep seeded love his daddy and I will always have in our hearts for him!

The leaves I saved from the tree.

Blake & Chris digging the hole EARLY that morning so we could plant the tree

Blake wrote me a sweet letter "to the mother of his children..." it was so thoughtful, made me cry & I love him so very much for being such an incredible husband!